Tag Archives: Dating

Ethics | Relationships | Dating

Things I need to know. How many of you out there have had, or heard, horror stories from dating? Or, you may even be the one responsible for them! Yeah, I can’t believe I just said that ~ but it’s true!

I am asking you, because these past several weeks my personal life became unraveled because I lost control of my being. Lost control what I believe in….”dating” can be fun and yet it can have some hinder agendas’…

I, for one, am aghast at some of the things I encounter personally and know what’s out there: a date who spends the entire evening texting a friend; or a date that are, “Social Media Whores” who needs to reprise themselves constantly with a twice daily dose of selfies; and those dates who expects “payback” after three dinner dates; another who only calls at 3am – when they’re already outside your apartment; And of course, a million of those who don’t call when they say they would.

So, you all think you’re a decent person! Maybe and you probably are. So what about the people you dated? But if everyone is so good and ethical, where the hell do all these atrocities come from??!!! Why do generally good people treat their partners, however lengthy or temporary, with a completely different (or absent) set of ethical standards? Where are YOUR ethics when it comes to dating? I’m so confused!

My blog is meant to establish some bi-lateral standards of ethical dating, yes people Bi-lateral to include both men and women, in gay, straight or combination of relationships. Dating is a collaborative effort, and there should be a common set of standards within which we agree and operate. Would you do business with someone without signing terms and conditions? So why would you go out with someone without an agreement on ethical dating standards?

We all spend so much of our life dating, that it only makes sense for us to be more strategic about the process. All relationships go through that wonderful honeymoon phase, but what happens after good graces have faded? And it does! Many relationships may continue down that path of happiness and bliss, however, some couples’ bliss turns sour (worst than grapes) as they get to know each other on a more personal level. Trust me, been there!

Everyone has feelings!!! And everyone has hopes, dreams, ambitions, and passions. There is something deeper within all of us that totally begs for respect and honor no matter who we are. Being accountable for being honest with ourselves and one another about our contributions to both the problems and the solutions…it requires a deeper level of transparency . . . accountability starts with self, agreed?! . . .

Interacting through words and behaviors in a way that honors the other and respects difference, we are all human and respect is an honoring of the dignity and equality of all persons. It involves communicating with each other and behaving towards one another in ways that demonstrate the value of the other person.

We all have opinions, don’t we? I do, I believe there are dangerous warning signs of relationship issues such as having a hot tempered person can be admirable when they are is defending your honor, but a relationship with a person who has a short fuse can be dangerous. Abusive relationships are never worth staying in, however, unfortunately many women do not recognize – or ignore – the early warning signs in a relationship.

If your partner wants to know of your whereabouts at all times, their jealousy might be something in danger of spiraling out of control. It’s sweet when your partner is thinking about and wanting to be with you, however, it is unacceptable for your partner to expect you to punch a time clock all the time. Be wary of such possessive behavior, and don’t be afraid to ask others of their opinions. If your friends have not met your partner yet even though you’ve been dating for several months, this is another warning sign. Abusive relationships often start with a fair bit of antisocial behavior.

Can you figure out the “ending warning signs in your relationship”? I thought I did, but do you know sometimes, a warning sign you notice in a relationship has nothing to do with abuse or neediness, but rather quite the opposite as your significant other begins to “phase out” of the couple, wanting to move on to other things. While a lot of breakups are mutual and drama-free, there are some that get very ugly before reaching a conclusion. It happened to me not so long ago and it is important to show respect for each other when you are dating, however, when things get difficult, many couples forget this level of courtesy for one another.

Withdrawal and avoidance from activities you once enjoyed can be a first red flag. If your partner is simply unwilling to spend time with you like he once did, then you may begin to suspect he has either moved on or is seeing someone else. This can be a hurtful assumption, so be sure to have a basis for your accusation before making it, but know avoidance can definitely be the beginning of the end.

In general your partner do not want to spend a lot of time talking about their emotions, and when a relationship is turning sour, you will find they are making such a minimal effort it is as if they have already left. They may put off conversations or do their best to prevent them because in their minds they may already be planning a breakup.

If your partner is putting you down, this can be another sign of a waning relationship. Responding negatively toward you is a hurtful tactic sometimes used to push a significant other away when they are no longer wanted. It may, in your partner’s mind, be easier for your partner to hold you at a distance through causing the blame to fall on her/his shoulders than it is for her/him to outright say what she/he is feeling.

Many have difficulty expressing their feelings, and being cruel is one solution. Treating your passions as stupid, making fun of the way you look, or not allowing you to complete a thought out loud are just a few of the “put downs” that may take place if you are dating a disinterested person who no longer has any regard for your feelings.

Lastly, a couple may find that their biggest red flag in a relationship is due to a severe escalation in their amount of arguments. Suddenly they fight about anything and everything, making it difficult to function as a couple. Fortunately, most couples do not resort to verbal or physical abuse, but many breakups occur due to too much arguing. Couples drift, and this can cause their life ambitions to take off on divided paths, forcing them to leave a once valuable relationship behind. If your partner is being argumentative, try your best to open up the lines of communication. However, be prepared for a potentially disappointing response.

Warning signs in relationships are not always obvious, but when it is time for something to end, you will probably know it. Unfortunately many women act as if they do not know until things have escalated to such a point that leaving is a much more emotionally painful experience than what was probably necessary.

My advice to you, you have value and love to give, and it is a shame to waste it on someone who is just going to throw it away. Never stay in an abusive situation, regardless. Your life is too valuable, and somewhere out there is a decent person for you who will treat you right.

Keeping Love and Passion Alive. Just saying! Tell her you love her and tell her she’s beautiful and buy her flowers (you don’t need a special occasion) surprise her! Take her out on a date and it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money! Cook for her; make it a romantic dinner, complete with candles, flowers and a nice bottle of wine. Have interests of your own!!! That’s right people! Don’t get it twisted but keep it real and do make time for her. Encourage her to follow her heart’s desire; do find a common hobby or interest. Listen with your ears and your heart. Let her know you’re paying attention. And by all means, ask her what she would like to make your relationship better. Be open to what she has to say. Follow up your words with actions, important!!! Give her space (we all need to it); and finally people, please communicate, listen with respect. Repeat what you heard her say. Validate her points. Validate her.

Chef EdieM

Personal Glimpse on the Single Life…

You’re Single.    Make the best of it.    It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough for anyone,   it means no one’s good enough for you!

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When I left South Jersey a year ago I knew I had to make serious changes in my life.  Which including taking time off from dating and work on me! Best advice ever. Being single can be hard at some points and relatively lonely.   However, at this stage in my life, I have decided to put much needed energy and passion into my business, which sometimes I just don’t have the time to give to someone else.  Is it selfish of me, yes, but if I want Chef EdieM to be a success, it’s a sacrifice I will have to make. Don’t get me wrong I do go out on dates, try to have fun, and definitely keep an open mind.  Sometimes it’s hard especially when you deal with a lot of flakes and weirdo’s.  I do surprise myself at times; I cannot believe some of the things that I have dealt with.

…it really is magical…sometime we really don’t know how to slow down. We walk down the same blocks on a daily basis; use the same bus routes and buy cigarettes from the same bodega, and we can do this all on autopilot without absorbing anything that goes on around us. But when we’re on a date with someone we’re different. We suddenly become aware of hidden restaurants and alleyways we’re certain didn’t exist until five minutes ago. When you’re with someone new it feels like you’re seeing everything for the first time. In some ways, you are.

…is it really worth it…truth be told should a good date have a price tag on it? Well let’s break it down. It seems like a date that requires an exorbitant budget is typical!  Or is it? Only a shallow or boring person would think that an expensive dinner is “fun.”   But what about being on a date that makes you accidentally walk over the GW Bridge because you want to get closer to the moon; Being on beach getting cozy on brisk night sharing great conversations and wine.  Or even going to a dive bar and creating your own music together. Anyone worth dating knows this.

…to many singles…they all belong to one dating website or another, they’re out every night of the week, they’re going to the gym, and they’re sauntering up to you while you’re trying to get the bartender’s attention. Of course, this probably becomes discouraging and a bit sad when two decades have passed and the scene hasn’t changed.

…to busy nonsense… everyone is either busy, a flake, or both. Even people who don’t have jobs are busy. “Oh, can’t today. I’ve got a launch party in the city; Maybe next week? Thanks for understanding.” You will utter the words, “just busy” so many times that even you don’t believe it anymore. Hey by the same token, you’ll get a text while you’re rushing from work to post-work drinks, and you’ll read it and make a mental note to answer it later, and later comes, and then three days later comes, and you realize you totally flaked out on someone. This is the nature of the game; you are a bad, busy, flaky person. And so is everyone you date. Embrace it or die alone.

…moving to never land and then some…have you ever hit it off with someone who seemed like they moved specifically just for you; But when you finally look them up on Facebook the reality is much bleaker than that and you have 22 mutual friends and it just doesn’t end.  The incestuous nature of dating has several repercussions: First, you will run into this person at least twice a year or maybe every week. Secondly, you will hear stories about this person that will likely do nothing to nurture your fondness for them and lastly, you will date people in each other circles.  But needless to say do look forward to this cycle until you move to another town, where social networking isn’t so prevalent.  I recommend planet Mars.

…the “baggage”… common sense dictates that you cannot be single, and not have a significant amount of baggage. Like your ex’s, spouses, children, pending divorces, business pressures and financial obligations can often be part of the package.  You must be ready and willing to accept this reality if you are going to get romantically linked.

…slump-ville…than sometimes we get in a slump and date the first person that seems like they’re interested – and then, perhaps around on your third date, you meet “their friend”. The one we should’ve been with our entire lives! They are perfect and so remarkable hot. The person you’re dating is always friends with your future spouse.

…memory lane…Or how about when you have a favorite restaurant, or lounge, or neighborhood, it’s expected that you’ll share them with the person you’re dating. In turn, they’ll take you to their places. And you’ll create memories in those places. It’s all very romantic eventually, you’ll break up!

Peace and Mind ~ More often than not, being the woman that I’ve become I’ve faced my insecurities and fears head on, and have dealt with them to the best of my abilities. I have had enough life experiences to know what matters and what doesn’t. Consequently, I am above the petty nonsense.   I have figured out what makes me look and feel good inside and out, and knows enough about relationships to not bother with feminine trivialities.  I know that  self confidence could only come from experience and the knowledge whatever life has given me.

I realized that what I had been missing all of these years was a meaningful relationship with people.  I re-connected with my family again, I made more time for my friends, and that Life was and is great.  People notice this; they can see when you are happy on the inside because it shines through on the outside, this all comes from having inner strength and you can only achieve this by going within yourself and adopting strong values.

Can a Woman get a Break!

This past Labor Day weekend I was asked why a woman like me Blogs. At first I was taken back ‘than I decided to embrace the question.

Well people blog for different reasons and I personally just like writing. It is my retrospective diary, which I like to include many personal stories and experiences that I would not otherwise share with anyone or even mutter out loud. It is my calm after the storm.

In many ways being a blogger is like writing your life story, but thinking of it that way can be intimidating to others wondering if they are being included in my blogs! What will I write!? Should they be on their best behavior around me? For goodness sake, people please I am harmless.

OK, sure I would love to reach a popular audience to capture their hearts with my life experiences. Like anyone else. I enjoy the reaction and feedback. But ultimately, plain and simple I am doing this for me. I want to share with everyone that my life stories is no difference than theirs.

I have feelings, I hurt and cry. I am humble, open-minded and well grounded. I share heartaches like everyone else out there and I have my moments of drama.

With that said “Drama”, let me share with you what happened to me this past weekend about dating.

I was set up through a friend to meet someone and hopefully maybe get a date out of it. I was reluctant and defiantly! However, I caved in and exchanged numbers. Friday afternoon we spoke and I really had a great conversation. An invite for breakfast was extended to me. I was asked to call back before retiring for the night, which I did and no one answered. I received a text minutes later stating breakfast was cancelled. Yet in the text I was told to make it up we would be having dinner in the Tribeca area than a drink in my neighborhood lounge. OK, what the hell maybe something came up I thought and I need to be patient since I haven’t been in the dating scene in a while. When we date we tend to view our compatibility with others as obviously subjective: do we have similar lifestyles? Senses of humor? Are our schedules complimentary? I figure why not give the benefit of a doubt and respond back saying yes!

Saturday came and ended! I reached out by text and would you believe I just got dumped again and we never met! Ouch. That hurt. Now take a deep breath and get over yourself. We’ve all been dumped — and we’ve all dumped someone else — but really, can a woman get a break!  Ugh. Now you know why I blog!